Tonight is one of those nights were everything is either hurting my feelings or making me mad. I’m having my own private pity party here in my room with the door closed. Yes, I know I’m being a titty-baby-wanker, and I don’t care. :)
Seems like when one thing sets me off, ALL the things that bother me that I hold inside all come rushing to my mind, as if just to let me know that it’s all still there. Then my anger or hurt feelings are compounded so much that it feels like I’ll burst. Does that sentence make sense? I don’t even know…
I have a stress headache and that’s making me mad, too. I’m laughing on the inside at the absurdity of it all, really.
What’s wrong you ask? Let me share some things with you:
1) Marshall hurt his ankle last week. He hurt it bad. It’s all swollen and several different colors and just looks awful. Today as we were walking through a plant to take photos of a couple of boilers, he tripped over an entanglement of cords and rolled his hurt ankle. He’ll lie and say this is not true, but he had tears in his eyes, Brooke and I both saw them. He almost threw up because it hurt so bad. I MADE him go to the doctor. He doesn’t take care of himself and I made him go. X-rays were taken and the doctor said there are no breaks, that it’s just a really bad sprain. So now *I* wasted money because I made him go when there was nothing wrong. Nevermind that I love him so much that I can’t stand to see him in pain.
2) On the way home from the doctor I made the mistake of asking him for cash. Yes, I did have cash that he had given me earlier but I had no clue how much his meds would be, plus the ankle brace he needed, plus supper (I picked up fast food since we got home late). I was afraid I didn’t have enough money. He always makes me feel bad when I ask him for money and it hurts my feelings so much. I don’t have a “real” job. I DID have a real job that I loved very much. HE is the one that wanted me to quit my job so I could travel with him. He makes me feel like I’m just some stranger asking for a handout. I’m his WIFE. His WIFE. Heck, even when I say, “We need to pay such and such bill this week, he gets upset with me. I just don’t understand it. It’s like every month when the SAME bills we’ve had for 22 years (more or less) comes in, they are always a surprise to him. “What do you mean we have to pay the insurance?!” “The house payment is due–again?!” Anyway, I hate asking for money. I hate how I’m made to feel.
3) After saying over and over again just TODAY that no one needed to bathe Lucy, honey goes out on the back porch (with his hurt foot) and soaks Lucy to the bone. We gave her her last bath, and I have been waiting for four days since then to put her Frontline on her. Frontline is a once-a-month flea medicine that works with the dog’s natural oil in their skin; you cannot bathe them five days before or five days after (per my vets instructions). The dog has to be “nasty” in order for this medicine to work the best. NOW I have to wait FIVE more days. I know he was trying to be helpful but a) I do NOT want him on that foot, and b) I just told EVERYONE that lives with me JUST TODAY to NOT bathe Lucy.
NO ONE AROUND HERE LISTENS TO ME.
4) Cain. I’m not even sure what to say about this issue. I was wondering today if what I’m experiencing with him is typical for a mother and a young man his age. He never talks to us, and only goofs off with us every now and then, but usually only if he wants something. I’m just not very happy with the relationship I have with him right now and that breaks my heart.
There’s also this problem that hurts me so bad, bothers me so much, but is a problem I can’t (and won’t) talk about here. This thing is eating at me like some horrible disease and I can’t seem to get past it. I don’t know what to do about it, to make it better, to make myself forget. This is the problem that stays solidly in my head, taunting me, and basically making me nuts. I hope that one day I’m able to move past it, but I don’t know when or how that will happen. It’s the problem that rears its ugly head when I’m feeling down, just to remind me that things aren’t perfect. I want it to go away.
Remember, I told you I was having a pity party for myself. :) Wow, I already feel SO much better though.
Not all blog posts can be flowers and sunshine, can they? And before any of you think, “Her poor husband, she must be horrible to live with!” just know that his own mother says she doesn’t know how I put up with him. LOL
I do love him so, and I am just fussing tonight. Anyone that knows us knows that we love each other solidly and completely. I’m sure he could sit down and write a HUGE list of things I do that makes him want to strangle me. :)
I’m looking at him now, over there in the bed snoozing away, his foot propped up on pillows, his ipod on the pillow beside him. He loves that gift. He gave me a verbal list of songs today that he’d like to have. I think that’s so cute. :) Like Kandi said, who would picture him as an ipod kind of guy? :D
Yep, all better now. Thanks for letting me vent!